Song for a Fifth Child

We were expecting my little girl any day and one by one each of our family had been dropping with stomach flu. The night before my husbands last day of work before his family leave started, the flu hit him and me….He called in sick for work and we had laid around sick all day. That night I was sleeping on the sofa trying to get comfortable, I thought that I might be having some contractions, and around 11:20 they started coming every 15 minutes. Since I have never started labor with contractions, only with my water breaking, I wasn’t sure what to do, but decided to call my mom to make the 16 minute drive here. By the time she got here, I knew we had to go and they were about 7 minutes apart. We were 38 weeks 3 days.

My poor husband hadn’t slept much due to sickness and had taken a Melatonin a few hours before. He was kind of groggy on the way to the hospital! Poor guy! I felt so bad for waking him up when I just wasn’t sure if I was actually in labor! Ever seen Father Of The Bride 2 or Fathers Little Dividend? Yeah, kind of like that….

I was glad my husband was home this time, though! His work has him driving all over the county and to try to get him home in time would have been a challenge.

We got to the hospital at 2:15 and I was already at 7cm! We labored for a little while and I was at 10cm about 3:45 or so, I was a little distracted…. The Dr broke my water and our baby girl was born at 4:04am. 7lbs 14oz , 20 inches long. I made it through without any pain medication. Another quick labor and delivery, but we were thankful we made it to the hospital after my previous fast birth!

Our four girls were very excited when we came home! The last kid got sick while we were at the hospital and my mom was taking care of them all. We decided it was best that they didn’t come to the hospital to visit. It was the first time I’d only spent one night in the hospital after a birth, but it was good to be home and fun to see our whole family together. Who knew we would end up with five daughters? I didn’t!

by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton

Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
Sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I’ve grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo
But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren’t her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
For children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.



Here For You



By the time we started the fostering process we had been married 4 years and had lost 2 babies through miscarriage. We were involved in Children’s Ministry and working with kids all the time. Other people’s kids. We were heartbroken and wanted children in our family.

Soon after we were licensed my husband got a call on his cell phone asking if we would take a 3.5 week old baby girl. Then he called me at work and told we were going to get a little girl who needed a family. I cried…of course. How many husbands get to tell their wives they are going to be a mother?

We consulted caseworkers, case managers, Indian Child Welfare and doctors about any major decision we made for our daughter. We filed reports each week, we had home inspections each month and we filled out forms for each doctor visit and emergency room visit. We advocated for her.

She was ours, but not legally.

Three and a half years later we stood in the courthouse and vowed to take care of her and made her our own.  It took all of 5 minutes. It was so quick that we even missed videoing it!

Our second foster daughter was 11 months old and came to us one late afternoon when a caseworker had to quickly find a home for her. It was the end of the day and he had been make calls searching for someone to take this little girl. She was supposed to stay a week and, well, obviously she stayed longer than that!

Her adoption went quicker, but we still had all the visits and reports like we did for our oldest girl.

One and a half years later we stood in a different courthouse in the judges’ chambers and promised to care for her no matter what.

A few things happened on the days the adoptions took place;

  • We gave each girl a new name including our last name
  • My husband and I were listed on their birth certificates as their mother and father – not adoptive mother or adoptive father –and with it all the rights that parenting entails
  • Our girls became our heirs – they are equal heirs our biological daughters

Society looks at our family and calls 2 of our daughters our “real kids”. They ask about their “real mother and father” like we are a fake family. We look at our daughters and see our children.  And I would like to point out that we do real parenting. They are our real kids and we are a real family.

Adoption means choosing someone. Adoption means accepting someone. Adoption doesn’t mean that all the pain and trauma of the past goes away.

“Children born to another woman call me mom.

The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me.”

Jody Landers

Many will say how lucky our daughters are to have been adopted by us. They haven’t been ‘lucky’ at all. Adoption is only necessary when a child has been or needed to be separated from her birth family;

  • Death of parents
  • Abandonment
  • Neglect
  • Abuse
  • Rape
  • Fear
  • Parents that are too young or mentally not able to care for a child
  • Parents are in prison

When adoption becomes necessary there is always pain involved.  That pain follows into the adoptive family; we take on the pain and trauma that the child has. It becomes a part of us and our family. We work with our daughters and with the consequences of their parent’s decisions.

Adoption is about redemption and taking the broken pieces of many lives and making something good come out despite the pain and misfortune.  It means working through those trials together.

Adoption changes lives…I know our was changed. It was changed for the better.





What Love Really Means


“It is a risk to love.

What if it doesn’t work out?

Ah, but what if it does?”

Peter McWilliams

Today is an ordinary day and yet…it isn’t. For our family, it’s the end of a a season. For over 10 years we’ve been licensed as foster parents.  We got licensed in the midst of infertility and miscarriages and grief. We had talked about adopting….after we had biological children…but we jumped into it sooner than we thought because we wanted children in our lives now. It wasn’t Plan B, it was just a part of God’s Plan for our family. We thought it was a win-win situation. We needed children in our life and the children needed a safe family.

It was scary going through the licensing process. I was overwhelmed with the paperwork. The interviews and question on the forms were soul searching. The classes were intimidating with worst case scenario stories shared that made you wonder if you could handle parenting a child who was traumatized. You either walked out of the room saying it was too much or determined more than ever to make a better home for a kid.

Another couple had brought their baby foster daughter to church and I held her…this little precious baby needed a home….we could be a home for a baby like her! That is what really convinced me that I could do this.

I am going to miss the adventure. The phone calls and the hope of a new child coming to share our home.   I really missed our second case manager visiting after we adopted our oldest! I will miss being a part of the special club of people called foster parents. Though not many passed our threshold, we said many were welcome to come. God just brought our kids through the door.

I'm a foster mom, what's your superpower?

As much as we would like to continue, right now we need to focus on the kids we have and meet their needs. Foster and adoptive parents are needed still and I hope some of you may pick up the baton and be a family to a kid.

It will mess up your plans. You will have to make sacrifices and deal with a lot of rules. You will get frustrated with the system, caseworkers and rules. You will feel like a failure. Your life will seem chaotic at times. Your heart will even be broken. But I will tell you that my kids were totally worth it!


What Love Really Means Video by JJ Heller;


Maybe, Baby


At my Almost Twins preschool class party, another mother asked how old my youngest was. I told her almost 2 1/2 and her response was that she would be ready to start preschool next fall! I admit my heart sank.

My baby was that old? Where had time gone?  I was ready for my Almost Twins to start preschool, but my baby? Part of me suddenly felt very grateful that she was shy, clingy and that I was always tripping over her.  Maybe she wouldn’t be ready for preschool.  Maybe it would be too much for her to be separated from her mama.

I probably will get signed up on the waiting list.  Her sisters do love going to preschool. The teachers are great and maybe she will be ready then…even if I’m not.

She’s my baby and I just am not ready for her to grow up yet. Maybe next fall I will feel more ready. But not just yet.

Sugar, Sugar


We went on a Candida Detox diet several years ago in hopes of becoming healthier and improving our chances of carrying a baby to term. I’d had had four early miscarriages and was done with doctors. I had tried a natrupathic doctor also, but the help she gave only treated the symptoms.

I had prayed for some way to help my body heal and be able to carry a baby full term. I did not feel that further fertility treatments were the way for us to go.  Then, one Sunday at church in the nursery there was a lady who told me about what had helped her. I was so excited! I knew this was an answer to my prayers! My husband and I decided to both go on it. We dragged on for the first couple weeks and then felt more energetic! We ate the same but I took garlic, oil of oregano(FYI; Never  use while pregnant!)  and bentonite clay supplements . We avoided all sugars  (fruit, milk and sugar), yeasts and white flours for 3 months and then the next 3 months we added the milk and fruits back in.  The detox diet helped my body heal and function normally. It was what my body needed.  I felt better and actually got sick less as well. My hormones regulated themselves for the first time.

After going through the 6 month detox, I became pregnant! I carried our baby girl, Karin, 16 1/2 weeks before she died due to a fatal chromosomal issue. BUT my body was finally doing what it was supposed to do!

Seven months later I became pregnant for the 6th time and this girl made it! Other than some progesterone supplements in the first trimester, I had a perfectly normal and healthy pregnancy. I went on the diet to loose baby weight  and my 7th pregnancy (I expected it to take years to have another baby since the my first live birth took over 9 years to have!)  was also completely normal and resulted in a healthy baby girl.

In view of my last pregnancy ending in miscarriage, I need to start on this diet again to get healthy.

It’s a tough diet. It requires lots of discipline, but it was truly worth the effort!

Madam Librarian

So these days my hardworking husband is working days. Which means he has the car. Our only car. Now, I could get up with him and drive him 25 miles to work, race home drop off kids at school and then run 25 miles back to his work and pick him up some time after 6 and before 9 PM. But obviously that is a lot of effort, gas and time to try that. So I am home.

I can walk to our little town and go to the drug store, library, or dairy shop and I do. But I often look pretty crazy. With one kid I can do ok and look pretty sane. With 3 or 4 I look well, desperate to get out of the house.  (I probably am!)

I have a double jogging stroller that holds the 2 year old and one 4 year old and the second 4 year old sits on the foot rest. We get our hats, coats boots and mittens on….eventually….and start walking.

We get to the library and the kids slam the button (and fight over who gets to do it!) and run in. I’m sure the librarians cringe when they see me coming. They girls head to the kids section and are happily engaged in the play kitchen they have set up (a lifesaver!). It’s crazy, because my third daughter always, at some point during the visit, runs to the button and whacks it to open both the doors and tries to head into the bathroom. My fourth girl is following her….and the doors are wide open. I head her off.



The third heads for the bathroom, more to just inspect it than use it.

I really need a sheepdog. Or get the harnesses out of the car….that my husband has.

Oh, look! A snowman just my size! 2 of 3 kids has to stop and hug it.

I finally wrangle up the girls after getting all their hats, coats and mittens on, and get them in the stroller. I look a little frazzled.

I probably don’t make parenting look easy. I don’t seem to attract people who want to befriend me. But when I get home,  my 9 year old locks herself in her room and reads. My younger 3 sit and watch a new movie.

There is peace….for the moment.

This Baby


This picture is not an announcement. It’s a memento.



Last June I discovered I was pregnant for the 8th time. I never imagined I would see 8 positive pregnancy tests in my life. We were excited to be welcoming another little one into our family! Maybe this one was a boy? That would be so fun!!!  I’d be due around Valentines Day.

We kept our little one a secret and were waiting till our first Doctor appointment and ultrasound before spreading the good news…but that day didn’t come. Instead I sent a few messages saying “I’ve miscarried…again”. Not the news I wanted to share.

This was the first miscarriage after my live births. I have lost 5 babies and then had 2  live births.  Just when you think you’re past fertility challenges,  it happens again…

I’m not angry or mad at God. I know this loss was not inflicted on me… it just happens. I’m not perfect and that means my body isn’t  functioning perfectly either. Growing babies just isn’t something my body is great at.  It has taken a long time to get to this point. But I am sad that this baby left us too soon, I had lots of dreams already in the making.

Why do I bring this up now? I think I just want to acknowledge that we did have another baby even though we never saw this baby. This baby was wanted and loved. This baby will never have a replacement.



So this little one may be gone but this baby will not be forgotten…

The weight of the words


I’ve experienced many avenues of parenthood. Foster parent, adoptive parent, parenting my biological kids and parent to babies that never took a breath of air.  All have their differences.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about being an adoptive parent. It is a bit different than parenting my biological kids. There is a weight of responsibility that comes with adoption. Greater than with the birth of a bio baby, I feel.

We went through hours of classes, background checks and inspections of our home. Physical exams, finger printing, intense home studies.  Oh.…and the paperwork and forms….and the whole time you’re wondering if you’ll be deemed good enough to parent a child….someone else’s child.

I hold my daughters history in my hands. I hold their family tree and biological identity. I have things I need to pass on down to them so they are not left wondering about where they came from. I have binders of records I’ve read through and taken notes of important facts. I memorize details and that I think they will find interesting. I try to remember all the medical histories so they are available  when needed at doctor appointments. I’ve searched for relatives and obituaries and started biological family trees for them. I’ve read books and researched their cultures so I can teach them. It’s been fascinating and frightening at the same time.

There are the scenarios I play through my mind  if  someday I hear the words “You’re not my real mom!” or  “I want to find my biological family” or even a simple “why?”.   I don’t mind that they’ll want to know more, I delight in my daughters and everything about them. There are things I’m excited to tell them and other things that weigh on my heart…things I won’t know how to tell them when the time comes.

I get to worry about the first time they come home with assignments from school that will stir up more questions I may not be ready to answer…or cannot answer….

All our daughters will have a rich heritage with all our families traditions and cultural backgrounds.  We will pass down our heritage to them.

I tell my older daughter little things I think her young mind and heart can handle right now and tuck away other things in my heart till she is ready. It reminds me of a quote from Corrie Ten Boom about something her father said to her;

“Some knowledge is too heavy for children.

When you are older and stronger, you can bear it.

For now you must trust me to carry it for you.”

So for now, I carry the knowledge for my girls.


The Moment I Wake Up


Today I woke up to the Middles (our almost 3 year old girls) playing in our sun room with all the hair things dumped out. That includes the almost new package of 500 tiny little rubber bands…at least this time I bought colored ones so we could find them easier.  And a stinky wet diaper that had leaked on the bench cushion. Yay! I get to scrub that up! And if you want some fine motor skills work for your kids, make them pick up 500 tiny rubber bands. 😉

This got me to thinking about all the things I’ve woken up to lately. The other day they had found three wayward crayons and decorated the white sun room walls and bench.  I did not know that toothpaste would remove crayon from walls. My sun room was minty fresh after that.

I’ve woken up to baby powder explosions in their room. I’ve woken up to I couldn’t decide what to wear so I emptied all my drawers and took all the clothes off the hangers disasters and splashing in the toilet. I’ve woken up to “MOM! She climbed out the window and is outside (in the unfenced area by the road)!!!!  Running in the yard in pajamas’s, sisterly haircuts, coffee creamer poured out on the floor (I’m drinking coffee, mom-mom!) and chocolate pudding smeared faces. They can be quite sly and quiet when they want to!

And……well, I’ll spare you poop wall smearing stories.

And this happens before I’ve had a chance to get my morning coffee.

I used to get up before they did so I could drink my coffee, catch up on Facebook and emails and generally wake up, but then they started getting up earlier and earlier and I was up with the youngest during the night and up later because I was catching up on folding laundry or dishes.

Sure, it is a bit hard to wake most mornings and feel like you have to put out fires, but then there are those days when I wake up to a little one snuggled up to me in bed (and I have no idea when they snuck in), hugs and kisses and ” I wuf you, mom-mom!” I have woken to many days to flowers, cards, and Mocha’s  from Jeff and pancakes too.  There are those sweet mornings to look forward to.

I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas

I know. It’s July. But I’m already thinking of Christmas.  I start early!

Last year I made the tough decision to not unpack all my boxes of Christmas decorations. Yes, all my garlands, ornaments and the Christmas village stayed in their boxes. The train set was not put under the tree. I just didn’t have the energy to unpack, decorate and then pack it all up again a month later. I couldn’t think about protecting all those things from the hands of two little girls who would un-decorate quicker than I could catch them. I thought if Buddy The Elf could make his home look festive with paper crafts, so could I!

So, all that we took out were the Merry Christmas sign (I made out of an old fence board) and Snowman (my sister made for us out of the same old fence!) for our porch and the Christmas twinkle lights. We did go and cut down a tree….I tried going without that one year when our oldest daughter was a baby and that was too much of a sacrifice! I love the smell of a tree (and no, the evergreen fragrance candle did not work)!


DSC08299_cropThen I got out paper and and my paper cutter! We made the rest of our decorations. I probably spent $10 on paper and cellophane. I used wrapping paper, ribbon, cellophane and toilet paper rolls for the candy ornaments (which could be filled with real candy for Christmas Eve!). The rest were one inch paper strips stapled into shapes of ornaments and hearts. We also made paper chain garlands to hang around the windows and snowflakes out of old rolls of fax paper (it’s nice and thin to cut!).  I remember making the heart decorations in school the winter we spent in Sweden.

Our oldest daughter really enjoyed making the decorations. I had fun as well! She loved helping decorate. I brought out our box of supplies when family came over also.



Here’s what the tree looked like when we were done. You can see some of our snowflakes hanging off the candle holder on the ceiling. I just used mono-filament thread to give it an airy look.


They would move around the ornaments on the tree and redecorate. And after a few days  the girls had ripped and torn apart some of our projects. Oh, well! Notice the bottom half of the tree is bare!


At the end of the season we were able to just toss everything but the lights. The pack rat in me wanted to save them, but I knew that was beside the purpose of having a homemade Christmas!

I got all the festivity without all the stress!